When It All Falls Apart
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33 ESV
Can I tell something you may or may not know about me? When I was a little girl, I learned an adorable little song at church. It even came with hand motions. Who doesn't love hand motions? Since Jesus Christ came in, and took away my sin, I'm inside, outside, upside, downside, happy all the time! This is the moment when you clap! Hooray!
I have come to hate that song. Maybe it is a sweet sentiment for children to sing, and maybe I'm just an adult who is being starkly realistic, but I find that song to be misleading. Yes, Jesus has paid the cost for my sins, but I am not happy all the time. For me to present you with the message that having received salvation is an automatic ticket to happiness would only do you and I a disservice. As the verse says, "you will have tribulation." Sometimes, it is all going to feel like it falls apart.
For instance, I can tell you that on March the 8th last year, my husband and I took our children out to dinner to discuss the possibility of adopting a child into our family. We would not move forward without talking to them, and they were happily on board. So, on March 22nd, we attended a webinar with an adoption agency regarding international adoption and began filling out our paperwork that evening. Everything was a go. We had our destination in sight, our course was fixed. First interview to sign our contract with the agency scheduled for April 16, 2012 at 12:00 p.m.
Then came April 15th. A Sunday morning where I would wake up with a slight dread over having to get 2 children up and ready for church, as well as rouse one surly teenager. Some Sundays you start your morning looking forward to that sweet after-church nap. Everyone may be stumbling along now, but rest is in sight. Only the nap would never come, and our plans would come to a screeching halt.
Have you been there? You woke up and started your day thinking it was just like any other, and before your head can hit the pillow, everything has changed. Death, shocking medical results, loss of job, heartbreaking news. You didn't see it coming. It's as if you blinked and the world went out of focus, and no matter how much you keep blinking, you can't get your vision back. For me, it was as if we had all been involved in a terrible accident and I was trying to administer triage but I just couldn't figure out which wounded party to see to first.
Needless to say, the interview was cancelled, the contract left unsigned. No future make-up appointment was planned. After talking to one another and taking counsel from a few we trusted, Mike and I made the decision that for now, the adoption would be placed on hold. A subject to revisit at a later time that I couldn't imagine we would get to. Instead, we placed our focus on the child that needed us most, the one already living in our home.
I would like to say this is the part where I became a model example of walking by faith. That I remained "happy all the time," but I didn't. I went through an emotional roller coaster. I cried in the car, at home, in the bathroom at the office, as I went to sleep. I was angry, fearful, worried, hurt, exhausted and worn down. Thankfully, God had graciously supplied me with friends who checked in throughout the days to come and lifted my family in prayer. Thankfully, God supplied men to come alongside my husband and be his support where I could not. Thankfully, God gave my son several adults who would provide him with words of encouragement.
But, there were days when I would think I was finished crying, only to find there was something else to chip away at my heart. Just when I felt like the ground was starting to smooth out, some hidden pothole would appear and I felt tripped up all over again.
So, today, I'm sharing part of my journal from that time. I think I hoped that by writing those words out onto the paper, maybe some of the turmoil I felt inside might bleed out onto the page and I would feel a little better. I needed to get my thoughts out of my head where they kept me up at night. And, I think you'll see, when I journal, I'm nothing if not completely, brutally honest...
"Sometimes when you have a crisis, you have a solution. And in that moment you have all faith that God is big enough to fix it. You cry, you plead, you beg for Him to have mercy, to get you through this dark and troubled time, to be your strength, your comfort, your peace, your firm foundation. But let's face it, what you really want is for Him to get on board with your plan and follow the directions in your mind. Problem solved. Case closed. I'll even admit to praying that I would follow His lead, walk the path He set before me, His will above mine. Ah, but then the bottom falls out. Days pass and instead of seeing deliverance, I was sure would come (I mean, wasn't I good? Wasn't I faithful? Did I not deserve some respite?) well I just have further confirmation that this problem is still very real and very present. And me? I have nothing.....
What I don't like is that now the plans I had are postponed. My husband says we're only putting it on hold. But for me, I feel like we are taking a giant sledgehammer and smashing it as well as my heart into tiny pieces. Let's not forget that these plans were the result of much prayer, fasting and family discussions. I thought we were clearly following the calling God had placed upon us. Were we wrong? Completely clueless and led by our own selfish desires? And of course we had shared with others. Spoke the words. Put it out there for others to celebrate with us. Only now I must take them back and as much as I wish I could, I can't erase your momory....
So, yes God, I would like to say You are in control and this will all be for Your glory and my good, but let's not kid ourselves here. You see my heart and know my words would be a lie. Rote reciting of all the beliefs I have that are easier to cling to when skies are clear. I can't hold onto them because my hands are tightly fisted and my jaw is clinched shut in hopes that maybe I can keep more tears from falling. You know I am so tired of crying. So exhausted from trying to contain, and so angry I could scream and cry all over again. When does this cycle end? When, as one person put it, do I adjust to this new normal? I don't want to. I don't know what all it will entail, and I don't care to discuss the options. In my eyes, they all stink, and I don't feel like asking anymore for Your help."
I love that girl. Even though now I can look back and see that she was throwing quite the tantrum over having her plans messed up, I love her because she knew there was no use pretending with the One who sees her inside and out. And I love that God is big enough, that He is patient enough, that He loves enough to hold tight even when we want to run away kicking and screaming. He knew that girl felt like she was failing at getting through her days. That everyone else was coping and she was just drowning in her emotions. I love that He was gracious enough to faithfully see me through other trials before this one, so I knew I could be honest and keep walking with Him instead of shutting Him out completely. He really is faithful. I know that to be true.
Here we are a year later, and I can tell you that I got used to the new normal. Not only that, but there were blessings to be had:
* I have a wonderful son who has grown so much in the past year. It wasn't easy, but he has matured and accepted more responsibility than many his age. He has struggled through battered faith, and yet keeps going. I couldn't be prouder for the young man he has become.
* When we didn't get to continue the adoption journey, I readjusted my focus to a broader spectrum. Where this blog probably would have once been an all about me talking about me adventure, now I try to point others to the bigger job that must be done to care for orphans. I have a passion that isn't just contained to adoption, and I'm trying to ignite that passion in those around me.
* Through the ups and downs, Mike and I were reminded just how much leaning on one another is important in our marriage. We're stronger for having gone through this together.
* Our family did grow in numbers! Now I carry the title Nana, and I get the joy of loving on the most precious little red-headed girl. She is all sorts of cuteness and fun. The words "children are a gift from the Lord" never fails to be true. (Psalm 127:3) Every moment spent with her just warms my heart.
* And, yes, we are back on the adoption trail! Only this time, I'd like to think I don't try to force the way like I once did. I feel now I am just walking where He leads. If He wills it, it will be. I'm just trying to be obedient and placing my trust that He has the rest.
If it looks like it has all fallen apart for you today, may you be encouraged by my story. I know it isn't easy. I know it's hard to feel like there will ever be an end to the night. Hold tight to the promise that His mercies are new every morning. Know that I'm praying for you even if I don't know who you are. Take hope that even when the pieces of your life feel scattered about, when He puts them back together, there's a beauty that wasn't there before.
Can I tell something you may or may not know about me? When I was a little girl, I learned an adorable little song at church. It even came with hand motions. Who doesn't love hand motions? Since Jesus Christ came in, and took away my sin, I'm inside, outside, upside, downside, happy all the time! This is the moment when you clap! Hooray!
I have come to hate that song. Maybe it is a sweet sentiment for children to sing, and maybe I'm just an adult who is being starkly realistic, but I find that song to be misleading. Yes, Jesus has paid the cost for my sins, but I am not happy all the time. For me to present you with the message that having received salvation is an automatic ticket to happiness would only do you and I a disservice. As the verse says, "you will have tribulation." Sometimes, it is all going to feel like it falls apart.
For instance, I can tell you that on March the 8th last year, my husband and I took our children out to dinner to discuss the possibility of adopting a child into our family. We would not move forward without talking to them, and they were happily on board. So, on March 22nd, we attended a webinar with an adoption agency regarding international adoption and began filling out our paperwork that evening. Everything was a go. We had our destination in sight, our course was fixed. First interview to sign our contract with the agency scheduled for April 16, 2012 at 12:00 p.m.
Then came April 15th. A Sunday morning where I would wake up with a slight dread over having to get 2 children up and ready for church, as well as rouse one surly teenager. Some Sundays you start your morning looking forward to that sweet after-church nap. Everyone may be stumbling along now, but rest is in sight. Only the nap would never come, and our plans would come to a screeching halt.
Needless to say, the interview was cancelled, the contract left unsigned. No future make-up appointment was planned. After talking to one another and taking counsel from a few we trusted, Mike and I made the decision that for now, the adoption would be placed on hold. A subject to revisit at a later time that I couldn't imagine we would get to. Instead, we placed our focus on the child that needed us most, the one already living in our home.
I would like to say this is the part where I became a model example of walking by faith. That I remained "happy all the time," but I didn't. I went through an emotional roller coaster. I cried in the car, at home, in the bathroom at the office, as I went to sleep. I was angry, fearful, worried, hurt, exhausted and worn down. Thankfully, God had graciously supplied me with friends who checked in throughout the days to come and lifted my family in prayer. Thankfully, God supplied men to come alongside my husband and be his support where I could not. Thankfully, God gave my son several adults who would provide him with words of encouragement.
But, there were days when I would think I was finished crying, only to find there was something else to chip away at my heart. Just when I felt like the ground was starting to smooth out, some hidden pothole would appear and I felt tripped up all over again.
So, today, I'm sharing part of my journal from that time. I think I hoped that by writing those words out onto the paper, maybe some of the turmoil I felt inside might bleed out onto the page and I would feel a little better. I needed to get my thoughts out of my head where they kept me up at night. And, I think you'll see, when I journal, I'm nothing if not completely, brutally honest...
"Sometimes when you have a crisis, you have a solution. And in that moment you have all faith that God is big enough to fix it. You cry, you plead, you beg for Him to have mercy, to get you through this dark and troubled time, to be your strength, your comfort, your peace, your firm foundation. But let's face it, what you really want is for Him to get on board with your plan and follow the directions in your mind. Problem solved. Case closed. I'll even admit to praying that I would follow His lead, walk the path He set before me, His will above mine. Ah, but then the bottom falls out. Days pass and instead of seeing deliverance, I was sure would come (I mean, wasn't I good? Wasn't I faithful? Did I not deserve some respite?) well I just have further confirmation that this problem is still very real and very present. And me? I have nothing.....
What I don't like is that now the plans I had are postponed. My husband says we're only putting it on hold. But for me, I feel like we are taking a giant sledgehammer and smashing it as well as my heart into tiny pieces. Let's not forget that these plans were the result of much prayer, fasting and family discussions. I thought we were clearly following the calling God had placed upon us. Were we wrong? Completely clueless and led by our own selfish desires? And of course we had shared with others. Spoke the words. Put it out there for others to celebrate with us. Only now I must take them back and as much as I wish I could, I can't erase your momory....
So, yes God, I would like to say You are in control and this will all be for Your glory and my good, but let's not kid ourselves here. You see my heart and know my words would be a lie. Rote reciting of all the beliefs I have that are easier to cling to when skies are clear. I can't hold onto them because my hands are tightly fisted and my jaw is clinched shut in hopes that maybe I can keep more tears from falling. You know I am so tired of crying. So exhausted from trying to contain, and so angry I could scream and cry all over again. When does this cycle end? When, as one person put it, do I adjust to this new normal? I don't want to. I don't know what all it will entail, and I don't care to discuss the options. In my eyes, they all stink, and I don't feel like asking anymore for Your help."
I love that girl. Even though now I can look back and see that she was throwing quite the tantrum over having her plans messed up, I love her because she knew there was no use pretending with the One who sees her inside and out. And I love that God is big enough, that He is patient enough, that He loves enough to hold tight even when we want to run away kicking and screaming. He knew that girl felt like she was failing at getting through her days. That everyone else was coping and she was just drowning in her emotions. I love that He was gracious enough to faithfully see me through other trials before this one, so I knew I could be honest and keep walking with Him instead of shutting Him out completely. He really is faithful. I know that to be true.
Here we are a year later, and I can tell you that I got used to the new normal. Not only that, but there were blessings to be had:
* I have a wonderful son who has grown so much in the past year. It wasn't easy, but he has matured and accepted more responsibility than many his age. He has struggled through battered faith, and yet keeps going. I couldn't be prouder for the young man he has become.
* When we didn't get to continue the adoption journey, I readjusted my focus to a broader spectrum. Where this blog probably would have once been an all about me talking about me adventure, now I try to point others to the bigger job that must be done to care for orphans. I have a passion that isn't just contained to adoption, and I'm trying to ignite that passion in those around me.
* Through the ups and downs, Mike and I were reminded just how much leaning on one another is important in our marriage. We're stronger for having gone through this together.
* Our family did grow in numbers! Now I carry the title Nana, and I get the joy of loving on the most precious little red-headed girl. She is all sorts of cuteness and fun. The words "children are a gift from the Lord" never fails to be true. (Psalm 127:3) Every moment spent with her just warms my heart.
* And, yes, we are back on the adoption trail! Only this time, I'd like to think I don't try to force the way like I once did. I feel now I am just walking where He leads. If He wills it, it will be. I'm just trying to be obedient and placing my trust that He has the rest.
If it looks like it has all fallen apart for you today, may you be encouraged by my story. I know it isn't easy. I know it's hard to feel like there will ever be an end to the night. Hold tight to the promise that His mercies are new every morning. Know that I'm praying for you even if I don't know who you are. Take hope that even when the pieces of your life feel scattered about, when He puts them back together, there's a beauty that wasn't there before.
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