Battles in My Heart a.k.a Why a Commune Appeals to Me More Every Day


I believe that forewarned is fair warned, so I'm stating up front, I'm grouchy. I'm in one of those moods where I could just sit and stew on the things running in my mind, just indulging my bad mood and feeding it so it grows even bigger, consuming my entire day. It's my hope that maybe if I share my thoughts, I'll drag myself out of this sticky pit and be able to proceed forward with a fresh outlook on the rest of my day.

Let's start with how I got here...

I'm a social media type of girl. I may not let you know what I had for breakfast/lunch/dinner or check in every moment of my day so you know that I have "left the building" and am on my way home/to soccer practice/ dance practice/ church, but I do check my Facebook, have a Twitter account, and I even post an Instagram photo or two. So, it's not surprising that I follow some of my favorite preachers, teachers, writers, musicians on these media venues.

This morning I was scrolling through the feed, and one of my favorite women's leader had tweeted about some cute dress website that she had placed an order for, and she shared the link. The dress was cute. A sassy little casual number, so I clicked on over to the site.

This is where it all went wrong.

The site offers two dress styles made of jersey material, short or long. Short dresses are $125.00, long dresses are $150.00. Seriously? I can't afford to spend that much on one fancy dress, and even more so, I'm a little grumpy and envious and coveting. I would love to just shell out the dough for an indulgent little purchase, but 1. I don't feel that this purchase would be good stewardship of the money God has given me, and 2. I'm not only trying to fund an adoption, but I'm also trying to scrimp together the change to hit the mission field.

I'm growing a little weary of reading blog posts, twitter pics, and Facebook updates where the women who write my bible studies are vacationing for weeks on end with their families in wonderful locations, are sucking down Starbucks by the gallon, and talking about the cutest little thing they got that just happens to come with a three figure price tag. These are the people I read because I feel like God has blessed them with a fresh word and I want to hear it. I realize they want to share personal anecdotes, but sometimes those little stories seem like fairy tales to the majority of ladies I know who can't begin to live that way.

As I said, it's making me a little grumpy. I will admit, my brain is somewhat making a mountain out of a mole hill because of my own personal battles. Budgets can became tight when you're trying to make it to your next adoption payment. Vacations become staycations where you search for the free things to do. Eating out isn't something you can just do on a whim. Clothes shopping is a luxury, and it better be on sale with discount coupon in hand.

Don't get me wrong, I love our daughter and I will gladly sacrifice to bring her home. But some days, I just want to grab the money and run. Head to the land where the sun shines and there's a big white castle in the background. It's the happiest place on earth. You know where I'm talking about.

Living in a commune? Looking better and better depending on the day. Just stick me behind a wall where I can't see the rest of the world, and then, maybe then, I'll be able to keep my envy in check. Right? Yeah, I didn't think so either. I'm a girl prone to fall down, and if it wasn't envy, even on a deserted island, I'd find something to have issue with. Thank goodness God is gracious.

So,say a little prayer for this struggling girl and others like her.

I'm thinking the best word for me today comes from the one Author I should be listening to:

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 NIV

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