What do I do with all these emotions? (Besides buy bigger sweatpants)
I am an emotional eater.
Just about any day that falls on the calendar is a good day for food. And, if you'd like any recipe, restaurant, grocery store item recommendations, I'm pretty much your girl.
So, as mother of three (including one teenager), as well as trying to be mother to four (insert long wait for fourth child via mountains of paperwork, interviews, and international adoption process), this point of my life has a variety of emotions. They aren't even what I would classify as "negative" emotions. Mixed in with the stressful, "pretty sure all my hair is going fall out before this is said and done" moments, and more often than the "what am I thinking, I'm not even doing a good job parenting the ones I have" moments, are plenty of "life is wonderful" and "God is just blessing my socks off" moments. Cue emotional eating.
Graciously, God has been working on given me a little clarity when looking at this issue. And to add to that blessing, He has given me a sweet friend to help me with some accountability. So, for my status report, please note I have learned the following:
This type of eating is, in essence, sinful - God has given me a healthy body. There are no diseases running through my bloodstream (except for the live typhoid pill I took this morning as my final dose of vaccine, but that doesn't count, right?), my daily medication list only consists of allergy pills, and I rarely go to the doctor. So, why, when given the gift of health, do I insist on stuffing it with food when it doesn't need it? Usually, with foods that have little to no nutritional value. Knowing full well when I do it, that the very children I so desire to help, barely have enough food to survive. It's indulgent. It's gluttonous. It's wrong.
And, may I say, I've come to view it as one of the most socially acceptable sins that I know. I get together
with my sisters and we just dig in to plates of deliciousness, and no one says, we should have stopped two helpings ago. I have yet to hear someone say, "I know you're having a rough day, but I'm fairly certain that third slice of pizza does not hold the answer." No, it's more like, "This day has been awful, I'm going home, putting on my jammie pants and eating ice cream," and all the people said, "I'll join you on the couch." If your okay with it, and I'm okay with it, then it must be okay, right? No, I don't think so.
Food has become my cure for feeling bad - No, this isn't a rocket science revelation. But, seriously, when I feel sad, mad, frustrated, nervous or upset, food is my go to for one reason. Pleasure. No matter how terrible this day has been, I can find one moment of pleasure if I can get ahold of a bar of chocolate. If the kids are arguing with one another, the cat has destroyed another roll of paper towels and the remains are scattered across the kitchen like a snow storm, and the mountain of laundry is stacked sky high, I still have time to eat something. It's my moment of denial - no, this day will not win, because I can find some joy in this sweetness melting on my tongue. Unfortunately, when the bag of M&Ms is empty, life is still there waiting for me to deal with it, and I have 240 calories that serve no purpose other than to spike up my sugar levels and attach themselves to my waist.
When I sat and talked with my friend about this very problem, I asked, "What do I do instead?" Take up knitting? Learn Swahili? I can tell you from experience when I quit smoking, you can take away the cigarettes, but if you don't find something to fill the void, you'll find yourself at the gas station buying another pack.
Please don't get me wrong. I know I can find strength in God's Word. I know He is always listening to me, and I can pour out every moment of frustration and He will be there.
But, what do I do when I have the urge to run to the cabinets?
My husband was sweet enough to point out, that's what your accountability person is for. If you can't eat away your emotions, you need to talk to someone about it. And then it hit me, Relationship. Food will never listen to me when I try to explain just how challenging and tough parenting or marriage can be, or that work was just lousy, or that I woke up late and everything else went downhill that day. It won't give me support, encouragement or comfort. It won't pray for me, or check in the next day to see if I'm feeling any better. No, that people, is what relationships are for. And, those require time and effort. It means making yourself available to other people, even at 2:00 in the morning. It means being honest, vulnerable, and willing to admit that you haven't got it all together and could someone else possibly understand. Food feels like a quick fix, I feel better because of the taste sensation, but relationships reach past the physical high and touches the inside person who really needs help.
I would like to get to China and hold my daughter in an outfit that doesn't consist of super stretchy yoga pants, because I couldn't possibly button my jeans. (Don't get me wrong, I do love a good pair of yoga pants. So comfy.) In order to do that, I'm going to have to come up with some way to get through this roller coaster without a Diet Coke in one hand and a Swiss Cake Roll in the other.
God. Husband. Friends. Family. My Church. Others Who've Walked This Road. The support I need is woven in these people I share my life with, I've just got to take hold. Simple, right? No, probably not. I've still got room for improvement, but God's got me, so I'll keep taking it a day at a time.
*** Adoption Status Update - We have completed our Hague credit hours and other educational readings. We're on to interview number three of the homestudy in a few weeks and physical examinations. Is there a light at the end of this home study tunnel that I'm starting to see? Maybe. I hope so. Please, may we be getting close!***
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