What's Beneath the Surface
As we get closer to the finish line of this adoption, our agency has asked that we begin to prepare for the reality of meeting our kids, bringing them home, adjusting to our new lives. There are books to revisit and conversations to have as we try and create a toolbox of helpful tips and things to remember. I've messaged other adoptive mamas and picked the brains of foster parents for how things "really are." And here's what I've learned:
To the rest of the outside world, when you see one of these families, you probably get that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from this blended family of parents and kids that's the result of a heart deep desire to see children welcomed into forever families. It's a beautiful picture, it really is. I had a chance to look at a video of families that have adopted from Latin American countries from our agency this week, and it was so encouraging to see family after family who have already walked the path we're trying to navigate. But for all those smiling faces, knowing what I know now, I realize that those same pictures represent challenges and triumphs, tear filled nights and days of laughter, highs and lows.
And maybe you know an adopting or fostering family well enough that you know exactly what I'm talking about, but for many of us, I've learned, like those icebergs, these families don't always disclose everything that's going on deep beneath the surface. And truth be told, they shouldn't have to. Just like I don't share with social media every time my children go through a rough patch, you will probably continue to get updates about our newly expanded family, but I just won't share everything that's happening in our lives. I'm trying to build a support network of mamas that have experienced what I'm facing, because I need to know someone's survived and I need to know what can I do to make sure we survive. I'm gathering a list of counselors and therapists that we can call when we need it.
People, loving and parenting kids who have endured traumatic beginnings is HARD!
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Did you know that almost 91% of an iceberg's mass is below the water line? They may be beautiful, floating along silently in the water, but those jagged edges and the far reaching mass can cut a hole in the side of a ship and sink it before anyone's had a chance to free up the life rafts.
So what can you do if you want to love and support your friends who are adopting, have adopted, or are fostering even if you don't know 100% of their story?
Love, love, love on these people! You may never understand or be aware of the challenges they are facing, but you know them. Stop to give a hug for no reason, send a text to let them know you are thinking of them just because, send a card to let them know that they are not forgotten and you see what they're doing and you're cheering them on.
Don't stop caring just because a month or two has gone by. And what I mean is this - not every struggle is going to rear its ugly head in the first month home. Kids from hard places come with lead lined suitcases that no x-ray machine can see into. It can take weeks and months and years for pieces of their past, and the effect it has on them, to come to light. If you only intently care for these families the first couple of weeks they're home, then you're probably going to miss some crucial moments on down the line. Don't stop.
Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray! I feel like I could just fill up the screen saying this over and over again, but having recently been brought up to date on some things that friends of ours are facing, I think it can't be said enough. This is spiritual warfare in its ugliest form. Innocent lives scarred early on, damaged emotionally, spiritually and physically, and then Satan will place a giant bulls-eye on the people who try to love and care for those same lives. It's as if he didn't do enough damage in the beginning, he'd really like to see it through to the very end.
Take a moment, right now, and think about every family you know who has fostered or adopted. Think about the parents and the children they've welcomed home. Think about the siblings that were already in the home before fostering/adopting. Think about the teachers that will try and teach these children, and the doctors and therapists that will try and mend broken bodies and harmful behaviors. Now take a moment a pray for all those people - specifically or generally, I'm not picky, but I want you to STOP and lift them up. Because they need it. Today, tomorrow, 3 months from now, 2 years down the road.
Fostering/adoptive families are a lot like icebergs.
To the rest of the outside world, when you see one of these families, you probably get that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from this blended family of parents and kids that's the result of a heart deep desire to see children welcomed into forever families. It's a beautiful picture, it really is. I had a chance to look at a video of families that have adopted from Latin American countries from our agency this week, and it was so encouraging to see family after family who have already walked the path we're trying to navigate. But for all those smiling faces, knowing what I know now, I realize that those same pictures represent challenges and triumphs, tear filled nights and days of laughter, highs and lows.
And maybe you know an adopting or fostering family well enough that you know exactly what I'm talking about, but for many of us, I've learned, like those icebergs, these families don't always disclose everything that's going on deep beneath the surface. And truth be told, they shouldn't have to. Just like I don't share with social media every time my children go through a rough patch, you will probably continue to get updates about our newly expanded family, but I just won't share everything that's happening in our lives. I'm trying to build a support network of mamas that have experienced what I'm facing, because I need to know someone's survived and I need to know what can I do to make sure we survive. I'm gathering a list of counselors and therapists that we can call when we need it.
People, loving and parenting kids who have endured traumatic beginnings is HARD!
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Did you know that almost 91% of an iceberg's mass is below the water line? They may be beautiful, floating along silently in the water, but those jagged edges and the far reaching mass can cut a hole in the side of a ship and sink it before anyone's had a chance to free up the life rafts.
*** *** ***
So what can you do if you want to love and support your friends who are adopting, have adopted, or are fostering even if you don't know 100% of their story?
Love, love, love on these people! You may never understand or be aware of the challenges they are facing, but you know them. Stop to give a hug for no reason, send a text to let them know you are thinking of them just because, send a card to let them know that they are not forgotten and you see what they're doing and you're cheering them on.
Don't stop caring just because a month or two has gone by. And what I mean is this - not every struggle is going to rear its ugly head in the first month home. Kids from hard places come with lead lined suitcases that no x-ray machine can see into. It can take weeks and months and years for pieces of their past, and the effect it has on them, to come to light. If you only intently care for these families the first couple of weeks they're home, then you're probably going to miss some crucial moments on down the line. Don't stop.
Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray! I feel like I could just fill up the screen saying this over and over again, but having recently been brought up to date on some things that friends of ours are facing, I think it can't be said enough. This is spiritual warfare in its ugliest form. Innocent lives scarred early on, damaged emotionally, spiritually and physically, and then Satan will place a giant bulls-eye on the people who try to love and care for those same lives. It's as if he didn't do enough damage in the beginning, he'd really like to see it through to the very end.
Take a moment, right now, and think about every family you know who has fostered or adopted. Think about the parents and the children they've welcomed home. Think about the siblings that were already in the home before fostering/adopting. Think about the teachers that will try and teach these children, and the doctors and therapists that will try and mend broken bodies and harmful behaviors. Now take a moment a pray for all those people - specifically or generally, I'm not picky, but I want you to STOP and lift them up. Because they need it. Today, tomorrow, 3 months from now, 2 years down the road.
*** *** ***
I'm a bit of a fantasy/sci-fi fan when it comes to books and movies, and I'll confess that most days, I can be convinced to watch any of the Lord of the Rings movies. It doesn't bother me that they're lengthy or that I've seen them before because I've got a certain affection for the characters and the good overcoming evil plot line.
In the last movie, our two favorite Hobbits have finally made it to Mordor and are struggling up the side of the mountain where the evil ring must be cast into the fire and destroyed. It's been a long journey (I mean, it takes 3 films after all), and our heroes are ragged and worn. Frodo, our ring bearer can't seem to make it any further, but thankfully he's not alone. His trusty best friend Sam is by his side and in one of my most favorite lines, (that usually makes me cry) he says, "Come, Mr. Frodo! I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."
That's the honest truth. You can't step in and parent these children, and chances are, you can't take whatever challenge these families are facing away. But you can choose to take the journey with them and you can try and support them every long step of the way.
To update: We were able to complete our dossier (FINALLY), including approval from US Immigration, and send it off to Costa Rica. Our next step is receiving approval from PANI (CR's social services) to adopt from Costa Rica. Prayers as we continue to gather funds for our extended travel when we go to get our ticos. Mike's vacation time will not cover the entire time we are gone (6 - 8 weeks), so we need to try and fund raise as much as possible to cover the period without income.
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