I Don't Know!
I got a call from my social worker yesterday. Miss Carol Ann is busy revamping our home study, and she needed to ask a few questions regarding the changes we're making in our adoption.
See, back when my husband and I filled out our original paperwork and started this journey, we had to ask ourselves what kind of parameters we would set for the child we would welcome home. And I'll be honest, I designed a neat and tidy little box that I felt comfortable with. If God wanted to me to follow His lead and adopt a child, that's just fine, but how about we make this a joint endeavor? I'd say yes to His call to adoption, and in return He'd give me the control the rest of the way.
Country? I pick China.
Number of children adopting? 1
Age? I think we're okay with up to 4 years old.
Sex? Little girl, please.
Special needs? We feel we can handle minor special needs.
Check, check and check. We're good. Right, God?
Now, if you'd like, we can debate thoughts on whether it's right or wrong to pick and choose when it comes to adoption. After all, for every pregnancy I've ever experienced, I had zero control. My body knew exactly how to care for the child growing inside me, and God had the job of forming this little life, I was simply along for the ride. It was exciting to daydream about a little boy or girl, what would they look like, who would they grow up to be. But ultimately, I didn't know.
However, when I approached this adoption, I wanted to cling to safety and security. While it is wonderful that there are so many resources and things that we can do to prepare ourselves for welcoming our new son or daughter home, it can also be terrifying. Imagine unleashing a hypochondriac on WebMD. Chances are, they aren't coming back with a diagnosis of a cold. More than likely, they'll have some terminal rare disease that comes from a bug that is only found in the Amazon rainforest.
Being able to set boundaries helped me breathe easier, but it also kept me from fully trusting that God was in control.
Skip forward to yesterday's call, and oh, how the answers to the questions have changed.
Country? Haiti
Number of children adopting? siblings, up to 3 children
Age? I just want to preserve birth order, so our children will be younger than our youngest child at home (that's 10 years old right this moment)
Sex? Well, we still want one more sister in the house, but the rest doesn't really matter
Special needs? We can handle a lot more than we originally felt we could
So, just like an expectant mother who's waiting to meet her little one for the first time, if you ask:
How many children are you expecting? I don't know!
How old will they be? I don't know!
Will they be little boys or girls? I don't know!
Will they be doctors or lawyers or painters or welders when they grow up? I don't know!
Will you share Jesus with them and do everything to love and guide them as they grow? Yep.
I keep expecting the panic to set in. The moment when I slump down onto the floor, a silent statue staring off into space thinking, "we have lost our minds." It still hasn't come. Sure, I feel the pressing need to pray again and again - for my children, for our home, for Haiti, for guidance and wisdom, for God to shield us from the attacks of the enemy, and on and on. Having experienced 20 plus years of marriage and eighteen plus years of parenting, believe me, that isn't going to change. But, my faith, yes, my faith - well, from the day we first filled out those papers, I'd like to think it's a little deeper than when we started, and I'm thankful for that.
Blessings!
See, back when my husband and I filled out our original paperwork and started this journey, we had to ask ourselves what kind of parameters we would set for the child we would welcome home. And I'll be honest, I designed a neat and tidy little box that I felt comfortable with. If God wanted to me to follow His lead and adopt a child, that's just fine, but how about we make this a joint endeavor? I'd say yes to His call to adoption, and in return He'd give me the control the rest of the way.
Country? I pick China.
Number of children adopting? 1
Age? I think we're okay with up to 4 years old.
Sex? Little girl, please.
Special needs? We feel we can handle minor special needs.
Check, check and check. We're good. Right, God?
Now, if you'd like, we can debate thoughts on whether it's right or wrong to pick and choose when it comes to adoption. After all, for every pregnancy I've ever experienced, I had zero control. My body knew exactly how to care for the child growing inside me, and God had the job of forming this little life, I was simply along for the ride. It was exciting to daydream about a little boy or girl, what would they look like, who would they grow up to be. But ultimately, I didn't know.
However, when I approached this adoption, I wanted to cling to safety and security. While it is wonderful that there are so many resources and things that we can do to prepare ourselves for welcoming our new son or daughter home, it can also be terrifying. Imagine unleashing a hypochondriac on WebMD. Chances are, they aren't coming back with a diagnosis of a cold. More than likely, they'll have some terminal rare disease that comes from a bug that is only found in the Amazon rainforest.
Being able to set boundaries helped me breathe easier, but it also kept me from fully trusting that God was in control.
(Photo source can be found here)
Skip forward to yesterday's call, and oh, how the answers to the questions have changed.
Country? Haiti
Number of children adopting? siblings, up to 3 children
Age? I just want to preserve birth order, so our children will be younger than our youngest child at home (that's 10 years old right this moment)
Sex? Well, we still want one more sister in the house, but the rest doesn't really matter
Special needs? We can handle a lot more than we originally felt we could
So, just like an expectant mother who's waiting to meet her little one for the first time, if you ask:
How many children are you expecting? I don't know!
How old will they be? I don't know!
Will they be little boys or girls? I don't know!
Will they be doctors or lawyers or painters or welders when they grow up? I don't know!
Will you share Jesus with them and do everything to love and guide them as they grow? Yep.
I keep expecting the panic to set in. The moment when I slump down onto the floor, a silent statue staring off into space thinking, "we have lost our minds." It still hasn't come. Sure, I feel the pressing need to pray again and again - for my children, for our home, for Haiti, for guidance and wisdom, for God to shield us from the attacks of the enemy, and on and on. Having experienced 20 plus years of marriage and eighteen plus years of parenting, believe me, that isn't going to change. But, my faith, yes, my faith - well, from the day we first filled out those papers, I'd like to think it's a little deeper than when we started, and I'm thankful for that.
Blessings!
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