Frozen With Fear

So, many of you may be wondering, where exactly are we in the process of bringing our little girl home? I've spent my last few posts addressing the cause of the fatherless, but the whole topic of our adoption has been pretty much been MIA.

Yeah, about that....

Last year, before Christmas, I found myself in the ER with my husband. Not for myself, but for him. He suffers from fibromyalgia, and we are accustomed to the ups and downs of the disease. Some days are fine and dandy, other days are a full scale battle with pain and fatigue. But, this time, things were a little different, and so after two chest X-rays, blood work, and various other tests we were sent home in the early hours of the morning. 

In the days to come, more tests were run, and terms like MS and autoimmune were thrown about. In the end, nothing new showed up on the scene. It appears it was just a really bad fibro flair. 

But for me, I froze. 

In the fear of the moment, I completely shut down when it came to the adoption. Certainly, while we were waiting for test results, it was normal to put the paperwork on the back burner and to address the issue at hand. Yet, even in the days that followed, I honestly didn't want to talk about the adoption, update anyone about the adoption, fund-raise for the adoption, or even really think about the adoption.

People, I just wanted to breathe normally. I wanted to get through the day not wondering about when the other shoe was going to fall. I tried to stay very still. Moving neither forward or backward, just trying to hold myself together. Have you ever been there?

I know God has this. I do. But, having been knocked down in the past, it was a knee jerk reaction to feel as though it was falling apart. Again. 

I'm in the middle of doing Beth Moore's "James Mercy Triumphs" study. This past week, our lesson addressed a recent time when we have experienced a trial. The question was posed, "What two colors would you paint your current hardship? Why?" I'll share my answer,

Grey - because the color is just leaching out of my daily life so that I am just walking through each 24 hour block, not really joy or sorrow, just a very muted palette of blah, and it's a very heavy grey that leaves me feeling lifeless and tired

I realize that I come to you writing as a girl who claims Jesus as her Lord and Savior, and I realize He has not made me to live in a spirit of fear. But, honestly, I just wasn't winning the battle. I wasn't walking in confidence, with  head raised high, knowing God goes before me and behind me. No, I was proceeding like I was trying to cross a frozen lake. One very slow step at a time, testing each inch before putting my full weight on it, afraid that the ice was going to crack and I was going to fall through. And, it's just been draining.

After taking a short break, I'm happy to share that we are back on track. All documents and forms are finished, and I will send the last of them off to our social worker tomorrow. My days are getting a little bit lighter, and I feel like, even in the midst of this wintery cold, I can feel myself thawing out. It's okay to lift my eyes and look toward the future. There's more to come this year, and I am excited to share. But, for now, as we finish out this home study, say a little prayer for me and mine. We sure would appreciate it.